Garet's Crack Stories
by Joker's Specter
Summary: Or, "Mia Has Too Many Babies". A compilation of exaggerated and made-up stories by Garet to amuse little kids around a campfire. Intended for humor. Fear the Random. -Most Recent Story: Dullahan and Mimic's Excellent Adventure-
1. The Wise One's Child

  


**_Garet's Crack Stories _**

  


**By Joker's Specter**

**_A compilation of exaggerated/made up stories from Garet. Quick (sometimes longer) random stories intended for humor. Fear the Random._  
-Joker**

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**Disclaimer:** _Golden Sun is owned by **Nintendo** and **Camelot**._

* * *

_"Gather 'round the campfire, little ones,  
And I will tell you the stories of my mind._

_Come listen now, from the beginning,  
Lest you wind up left behind._

_Garet is what everyone calls me,  
I'll be your entertainment for tonight._

_Relax your bodies, tune in your ears,  
For my stories of humor and fright." _

A pause.

"Is that everyone, then?" asked Garet, looking around the campfire to all of the little children's faces peering back at him through the tall flickering flames.

A few of the little heads nodded, so Garet smirked in satisfaction. "Very well. Since I'm babysitting all of you little kids while the rest of the adults are off celebrating the new season, I'm going to do exactly what I said I'd do in that poem. I'm gonna tell you all some stories. Now how does that sound?"

Some more nods, with a few shrugs mixed in.

"I see... Parents fed you peanut butter before you got here, huh? Hard to open your mouths? Ah, well, no problem kids, since I'm going to be doing most of the talking here," Garet said, grinning. He reached into a bag near him and pulled out a canteen of water. After swallowing some water and wiping his mouth off, he put it back.

He moved his eyes across the small campfire area he'd set up in Vale, meeting the eyes of all the children who were brave enough to look at his face. "Now then," he started, leaning back against a log, "I think I'll start with the story of the Wise One's child. This story oughtta get you all speaking and asking questions. Plus, I had a big part in it too, ha... Anyway..."

He cleared his throat and began.

**!-- -- -- -- --!**

It was a dark, dark morning in the town of Vale. Hideous gray clouds flooded the sky with a sense of dread. A cold chill rushed through the town, causing people to look over their shoulders everywhere they went, fearing for their lives. Not one person was comfortable that day.

The person who was possibly the least comfortable of all, however, was Mia, a blue-haired girl who hailed from a small snowy village called Imil. She was still learning many of the ways outside her village. For example, she never thought it would be possible to get pregnant and then have the child the very next day.

She also thought it would never be possible to give birth to what she had apparently just given birth to in her sleep.

"Calm down, Mia!" shouted Jenna over the girl's cries of terror. She held her friend's head against her shoulder, patting Mia's blue hair lightly on the back of her head.

"No, no, no, no, noooo," Mia sobbed through her tears. "It's not possible!"

Jenna sighed, saying, "Well, apparently it is. Though I don't know how..."

"But I didn't even...you know...do it with him!" Mia shouted, pulling her face away. "How could I get pregnant! All I did was visit the Wise One for a few moments to ask him some questions!"

Garet, who was leaning against a wall and eating a banana, spoke up. "Well," he said, "he's not exactly human. Maybe just touching him can get you pregnant. I mean, you _did_ touch him, right?"

Mia's lower lip quivered slightly. "Y-Yes..."

"Well, there you go," Garet replied, nodding and exiting the room.

Mia's wails filled the room again. "_NOOOOOO... I'm a SLUT_!" she cried, falling to the ground and getting in the fetal position.

Jenna rolled her eyes. "Mia, you are _not_ a slut. You didn't even have _sex_ with him. This is just some weird...mistake, I guess."

Meanwhile, upstairs in Mia's room, Isaac, Sheba, and Ivan were staring in awe and confusion at the small baby, which was wrapped in a blanket and sitting in the middle of the bed.

"I don't...get it..." Sheba said quietly.

Ivan shook his head. "I don't _want_ to get it. The mental images are not pleasant."

Isaac just stayed silent.

"Heya guys, how's the little one doing?" Garet asked as he entered the room, tossing a banana peel onto a nearby desk.

"Good, I guess," Isaac said, falling limply into a sitting position on the floor. "Good... Yeah..." He had an expression on his face that told the others his mind was in a far off place. They couldn't blame him, since he was just about to marry Mia, and suddenly she pops out a baby that wasn't his.

Garet walked up to the bed and removed the top layer of the blanket. He sighed and shook his head when he saw the baby. It was a rock with a single eye.

"Ugly little guy, isn't he?"

"Or she," Ivan added.

"Or it," Sheba finished, shaking her head and sitting on the edge of the bed.

About five minutes passed before anybody spoke again. Garet had already left the room a few minutes before without saying anything.

"I think you should name it Rocky," Ivan suggested.

**-- -- -- -- --**

A couple of days later, after both Isaac and Mia had come to terms with the newborn child, and agreed to raise it with the love and care that they would a human child of their own, the pair had gathered at a table in Mia's house, eating breakfast together.

"Honey, what's the matter?" Mia asked, looking at Isaac with concern, who had been poking at his eggs with his fork for quite a while.

"Ah, nothing..." Isaac said, laying down the fork and leaning back. "I'm just not looking forward to giving Rocky the birds and the bees talk."

Mia nodded, "Yeah, I've been thinking about the future too... We'll have to make sure we don't take him near any deep lakes, or the ocean... Wouldn't want him sinking to his death."

"Uh huh... Also, how do we feed him? I mean...he hasn't even MOVED...at ALL. I'm so confused..." Isaac said, falling over and banging his head on the table in frustration.

Mia walked up behind Isaac and gave his shoulders a massage. "Well...at least we won't have to change diapers."

**-- -- -- -- --**

Later that night, after Mia had tucked little Rocky in for bed, a shadowy figure snuck into the child's room through the window.

"Ah ha...revenge by killing Mia's child. Perfect," the figure said, grinning from ear to ear. He scooped up Rocky in his hand and got out of the house as quickly as he could. Within moments, he was next to a river.

In the moonlight, anybody with eyes could clearly see it was Alex. In his hand, he held Rocky.

"Time to sleep with the fishes," Alex said, tying a rope around Rocky. He searched around the ground, and then found a good sized rock. "This'll make you sink, unluckily for you," he explained as he tied the other end of the rope around the rock.

He tossed Rocky into the river, and watched as a few bubbles broke through the surface as the child sank to the bottom of the river.

A few minutes later he realized just how pointless it was to tie a rock to Rocky to make him sink.

**-- -- -- -- --**

"My baby! He's missing!"

Mia's wails and cries once against filled her house for an entire morning, while the others just stood around wondering what to do. Isaac held Mia as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Gah...I can't take this anymore!" Garet shouted, clearly annoyed at Mia's mourning. He leaped up from his chair and pointed to Mia. "Now look here! You never _had_ a baby. It was all just a joke!"

Mia's head snapped around, and her eyes met with Garet. Her face was soaked from her tears. "W-What...?"

"Er..." Garet rubbed the back of his head. "I mean...yeah, it was a joke. I didn't think it'd go this far, but it did, and...uh...sorry?"

Isaac groaned. "Garet, what did you do?"

Garet grinned sheepishly. "Well, I was kinda bored...so I thought it'd be funny to see what Mia thought if she had a Wise One kid, or something. I think I was really tired...so the details are vague, but yeah." He coughed, and then added, "It was just a rock with a little plastic eye glued on. But man, seeing Isaac doing baby talk to a rock was hilarious!"

Silence.

Mia jumped to her feet and slapped Garet. "You _touched_ me down there?" she shouted.

Stumbling backwards and holding his face after wincing in pain, Garet shouted, "No, no! I used a slingshot!"

**-- -- -- -- --**

Groans of pain came from the Elder's Sanctum all afternoon, causing people who walked by to peek in out of curiosity. Most of them quickly began laughing, and left, leaving Garet red in the face in embarrassment.

The Great Healer shook his head, clicking his tongue in disappointment. "Now tell me again just how this rock became lodged in your nose, young Garet."

**!-- -- -- -- --!**

Garet ended the story, and stood up. "So, whatcha think kids?"

One kid looked up at Garet with a confused expression. "Did you get into my daddy's alcohol cabinet?" he asked.

Garet smirked. "No, no, I just thought that would be a funny thing to tell you kids... Guess not. My friends wouldn't be _that_ stupid. I could never fool them like that for real...even though that would be really funny." He sat back down on the ground. "Anyway, the next story may interest you kids. If not, oh well! Sucks to be you, 'cause you're all stuck with me the rest of the night!"

Laughter from a certain Mars Adept echoed into the night.

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**End:** _The Wise One's Child_

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	2. I Was a Teenage Necromancer

**_Garet's Crack Stories_  
By Joker's Specter**

******Special thanks to Dracobolt who helped with the title of this particular story, as well as a few ideas. For the sake of this story, I have used "Jerra" as Garet's last name, even though I know that's not accurate.  
-Joker**

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**  
Disclaimer:**_ Golden Sun is owned by **Nintendo** and **Camelot**._

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"Who here likes scary stories?" Garet asked as he shot a dark look around his young audience. A few hands sprang up immediately from the kids, followed by a couple of hesitant hands.

Garet grinned. "Awesome! Brave kids, haha, this should be fun!" He stood up and began walking around the campfire, taking his time to look at each kid. "So, did you all know that once, not too long ago, the _living dead_ roamed through Vale? In fact...some of them still exist to this day."

One of the little girls gasped and looked over her shoulder. Her action prompted several other children to do the same.

"Yep! Some walked lazily through this very area, dragging their feet...eyes cold and dead, showing no emotion whatsoever." Garet adopted a low, spooky voice for his next line. "Some say they still wander through here on the darkest of nights..."

A kid interrupted, saying, "No, that's just my dad they see. He's an 'alca-ma-hol'." He said the last word with difficulty.

Garet ceased his slow pacing and returned to his regular voice. "Brat, interruptions like that can ruin the story. And it's 'alcoholic'."

"Yeah, that!"

Sighing, Garet plopped down on his log. "Well, anyway kids, the next story is one of my favorites. Before tonight, I had amazing powers. I've had them taken away since th--, I mean, I've lost them since then. I wish I could show them to you, but you'll just have to take my word for it. See, kids...some time ago... I was a _Necromancer_!"

**!-I Was a Teenage Necromancer-!**

"Let's see..." Garet ran his fingers through a row of books, naming off one every now and then. "Nancy and The Banana... Narcolepsy for Dummies... Nat Sat on Pat. Uh-uh." He quickened his pace. "Neb and The Banana? Bananas, yeesh, authors these days..." He shook his head and kept moving, dragging his fingers across the somewhat dusty books in the "N" section of the Vale library.

Suddenly, the word he was looking for caught his eye. "Ah ha! Necromancy!" Garet grinned brightly as he pulled the heavy leather book from its spot. He walked proudly to the front desk of the library and checked the book out. Even the librarian's look of concern over the book he was checking out didn't bother him. He was on top of the world, and had a mission to complete.

"Thanks!" He said to the old lady as she handed him back the book. "Don't worry, I'll get the book back in one piece," he added, thinking that that's why she had a worried expression.

Humming to himself, the large Mars Adept walked at a brisk pace to his home. He looked up at the sun, taking note that it hadn't been long since he left. "Good, they're probably not home yet." He quickened his speed just in case, leaping over rocks and dodging trees with ease as he took a shortcut.

Upon reaching his house, he looked all around the area for signs of his family. Once he was certain nobody was home, he walked inside, locked the door, and ran up to his and Aaron's bedroom. Inside the bedroom, Garet slammed the door shut behind him and moved to his bed. Reaching underneath the bed he pulled out a box, and then proceeded to dump a very dead hamster onto the ground in front of him.

"Okay you little rodent. Let's see what this book can do to you before Aaron gets home and finds out I accidentally killed you," said a determined Garet. He momentarily thought back to how the tragic death came to pass--about how he created a miniature amusement park for Aaron's hamster, including a roller coaster. Also about how the roller coaster derailed, and...

Garet shook his head; he had to focus on the task at hand. He flipped open the book. "Alright fuzz-face," he murmured, thumbing through the pages. "Let's get those cute whiskers twitching again."

Ten minutes later, Garet was waving his hand in front of the deceased hamster's face and citing a phrase from the book. The hamster, which had been placed on its back, was completely still with its eyes closed. The phrase was supposed to bring whatever being that was within a short radius back to life. "This is ridiculous," Garet said to himself as he repeated the phrase over and over again. "It's not even working... Argh, Mom's going to kill me!" He tried one more time, then dropped his hand. After thinking about it for a moment, he tried again; it was worth trying all day if it would help him stay out of trouble.

Suddenly, beyond all reasoning, and much to Garet's surprise, the hamster's eyes popped open. The little animal's legs waved around the air in a sickeningly cute manner until it flipped itself off of its back. Garet, who was sitting cross-legged, yelped and fell backwards. He started to crawl away as fast as he could while keeping his eyes glued to the hamster.

After a short pause, Garet stood up. "No way!" he exclaimed, watching the hamster scurry slowly around a small area on the floor. "That's so awesome!"

Unable to contain his smile, he went to pick up the hamster. "No more theme parks for you, okay?" he said. He'd avoided being in trouble! Aaron would have his hamster back, and everything would be just fine.

"Geez, you're freezing. I'd help heat you up, but I'll just leave you alone for now. I'd better not push my luck with you," said the overjoyed Mars Adept. He placed the hamster in its cage, put his hands on his hips, and nodded. The animal wandered around its cage lazily, inspecting everything.

That's when Garet's thoughts turned back to the book, and his smile disappeared. He turned his head and looked at the black, leathery book still open on the floor. Its faded yellow pages seemed to call him, giving him ideas. Beautiful, wonderful ideas he had never dreamed of being possible. It had worked once, after all. It should work again, as often as he wanted. His smile immediately returned with full force as he strode up to the book, grabbed it, and walked outside to his yard.

!-L- -O- -U- -I- -S-!  
!-C- -R- -E- -E- -D-!

"I still don't think Garet would like it, Mom. He doesn't wear ties," Kay said as she, her parents, grandparents, and Aaron all approached their house. Garet had opted to stay home from their monthly trip to go shopping as a family together, much to his mother's irritation. She had been trying for weeks to get Garet to dress nicer, or at the very least to add one nice outfit to his wardrobe.

"Well, if he doesn't want his mother to do his shopping for him, then he should have come along," explained Mrs. Jerra.

Aaron, who had been playing with a stick, tossed it to the side when they reached the front door. "Why did you get _me_ a tie? I don't want to dress up."

Kay opened the door and moved inside, eager to put the bags she carried down on a counter. What she didn't expect was a cat to be in the way. More out of surprise than actual force, she stumbled forward. Her hands went out to catch herself on the floor as a scream escaped from her mouth, and her bags and the contents inside scattered everywhere.

"Kay! Are you okay?" asked Aaron running in after her. The rest of the family wasn't far behind.

What they saw was like a slap to the face. They could only stare, dumbstruck at the scene before them.

"Hey! Welcome home everyone!" Garet said happily from a chair. In his arms he held a very ill-looking dog. The dog's eyes were cold and red, and showed no emotion as Garet scratched behind its ears. Most of its body was in a state that would make anybody else drop the dog and back away. Suddenly, Garet's smile was replaced with a scowl. "Mom! Dad! You told me Pete ran away! How come he was buried in the backyard?!" he inquired angrily, motioning to the dog in his lap.

But they didn't even hear Garet. All around the room, various decomposed cats, dogs and rodents were wandering around aimlessly. They all seemed listless, and most looked like they shouldn't even be alive, let alone moving around a living room. There was even a decomposing fish inside a clear vase on the table, swimming very slowly and bumping into the sides of the container.

Garet's mom screamed. That prompted Kay and Aaron to scream, and soon everyone was yelling and cursing in surprise and horror. Aaron bolted outside, slamming the door behind him in fright. Mr. Jerra ran to the kitchen to grab a knife while Kay struggled to get to her feet, covering her mouth. Her eyes were wide open as she watched the cat that she tripped over walk up to her, look up, and let out a rough, yet still cute, "Mew."

Garet's smile appeared again momentarily. "Look Kay! It's Mary. Remember her? She was yours!"

Then Kay fainted. Garet's grandfather caught her and pulled her back towards the door as the cat turned around and walked away on thin legs.

"_GARET! WHAT DID YOU **DO**?!_" screamed Mrs. Jerra.

"Hey, I asked you a question first!" Garet replied, folding his arms. He was a little confused at their reactions. _He_ loved having his old pets back. How come they didn't?

Pete jumped from his lap and walked on shaky legs up to the rest of the Jerra's. Before he could reach them, however, Mr. Jerra jumped in the way and held his knife up.

Garet leaped to his feet. "Hey! I just got finished reviving him! Don't do that!"

"He's _dead_, Garet!" Garet's grandfather exclaimed loudly.

Waving his hand as if dismissing the remark, Garet said, "Oh, that. You get used to the smell."

"Garet!" Mr. Jerra yelled. "This isn't a joke! We have dead animals in our house!"

"Awww, but Daaad!" Garet whined. "They're so cute!" He proceeded to bend down and pick up a very dead-looking squirrel. "Look, see? Remember Carl? My first pet ever!"

"_He doesn't have any eyes!_" Mr. Jerra exclaimed, getting very upset at the fact that Garet couldn't see why it was _wrong_.

Garet sighed. "Yeah, I tried finding them, but they were gone. Maybe I can put some fake ones in there so it looks better," he said, prodding the squirrel softly. The squirrel fell over on his hand, then climbed lazily back up into a standing position. "We'll need some for Great Grandma, too."

"That's it Garet! Get these...these...zombie animals out! _Out!_" shouted Mr. Jerra as he walked back to hold a sobbing Mrs. Jerra. Then, his head snapped back towards Garet. "Wait, what did you say?"

Finally seeing that he made a big mistake, Garet shuffled his feet nervously and said, "Well... I sort've may have revived Great Grandma, too...she's upstairs. I wanted to see her again!"

Garet's grandfather's eyes went wide. "Mother...?"

Biting his lip, Garet added, "And...I sort've, might've, probably revived everyone in the cemetery, too. 'Cause when I revived her, it revived everyone else. So...yeah."

As if on cue, there was a scream from outside, followed by someone shouting, "_Zombies! Help!_"

Everyone stared hard at Garet as the moans of the undead could be heard outside, approaching the house. Garet backed up while looking as innocent as he possibly could, and said, "Er...whoops?"

!-L- -O- -U- -I- -S-!  
!-C- -R- -E- -E- -D-!

Vale was in a state of pure terror. At least, in a sense. The zombies weren't exactly doing what was expected of them.

"Y-you're...you're dead! You've been dead for years!" exclaimed the Blacksmith.

"I can't believe it son," said the zombie from across the counter. He looked around the store with his pale, soulless eyes and put his hands firmly on his hips. "I thought I was leaving the store in good hands. This place is miserable! Sticks? You're selling _sticks_?! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned folded steel?!"

Several buildings away at the Inn, a few zombies were standing at the counter and attempting to talk the terrified inn-keeper into giving them some rooms because they were bored of sleeping in the dirt. Upon realizing they had no money, the zombies simply turned and wandered aimlessly around the room.

More shouts could be heard outside the Inn. "What is going on here?!" an aged female zombie shouted, walking hastily towards an elderly man and his wife. "What ever happened to me being your 'one true love'?! I'm dead for 20 years and I wake up to see _this_?!"

The man's eyes practically shot out of his head. "P-Petunia?!"

The zombie wrenched a ring off of her hand--taking the finger it was attached to with it--and threw it at the man's feet. "I can't believe you'd do this to me after promising I'd be your one and only! I want a divorce!" she sobbed.

Not ten feet away, two zombies were in what appeared to be a duel. "You may have cheated last time, fool, but this time I know all about your dastardly trickery!" shouted the taller, skinnier of the two.

"Dullard! We killed each other at the same time; there was no cheating to be had!" replied the shorter, bulkier zombie, swishing his sword in a high arc, only to have it blocked by the other zombie's sword.

"To the death, then! Again!"

"Aye! Taste my blade, vermin!"

They both let out a battle cry and continued their duel as they slowly made their way around Vale, passing by an old woman zombie who was lecturing Ivan.

"Look at that hair--disgraceful! You _must_ get it cut, boy!" she stated while nodding firmly. "Come with me, dear, I'll make you look like a handsome young man!"

Ivan couldn't figure out whether he should attack her for being a zombie, or attack her for trying to cut his hair. Either way, he knew he couldn't stick around, and he turned on his heels and ran away.

"Wait! Come back! I've got a great-great-great-great-great granddaughter you might like to meet!" called the zombie, waving after him.

Halfway through Vale, near her old house, Jenna was crouched, ready to attack. She wasn't going to be fooled, she told herself. The green skin, the red eyes, the stumbling, slow walk...these were zombies alright.

"Hey Fred," waved one zombie to another as they walked by each other. The one called "Fred" disappeared down a path, and the other one neared Jenna's position. Using that moment to her advantage, she leapt out of the bushes and struck hard, swinging her staff at the zombie's head.

Following a loud thunk, the zombie shook his head and grabbed it in surprise. "Ow! What'd you do that for? Oww!"

Raising an eyebrow, Jenna said, "You're not attacking me."

The zombie was furious. "Darn it, that's going to leave the biggest goose egg! You...you...brat! Your parents will hear from me!" he exclaimed, and then he wandered off, muttering about kids these days and everything he didn't like about them.

"Hi Jenna, bye Jenna," Ivan yelled as he ran right by her, leaving her with an even more confused look. The icing on the cake was when an old zombie lady appeared, chasing Ivan into the distance, saying something about proper hairstyles.

Sighing, Jenna sat down. "Why do all the weird things happen to me?" she said, placing her head in her hands.

Everywhere around Vale, zombies and humans were encountering each other in similar strange fashions. It truly was an odd day. However, the most unfortunate zombie to be revived by Garet's spell was not even in Vale at the time.

Not very far away, behind Vale, a voice was crying out.

"Hellooooo?! Can anybody hear me??" a male voice from beneath the crumpled Mt. Aleph shouted. "It's dark, and I don't know how I got here! Hellooooo??"

**!-I Was a Teenage Necromancer-!**

Garet leaned back with a look of satisfaction on his face. "And that's the story of how I brought zombies to Vale." Then he thought about that last zombie and scratched his chin, wondering if the inconsistency from his previous story would be brought to the attention of the kids.

An older child immediately spoke up. "Wait, what happened to the zombies? I've never seen them around. Did you kill them?"

Laughing, Garet sat up straight and looked evilly at the kid. "Kill them? Oh no. Definitely not. We did something even better than that."

The stare from Garet made the kid uneasy, which caused him squirmed slightly in his seat. "So, what happened?"

Garet waited a moment, then waved his hand. "Oh, nothing fancy. We gave them medical degrees and now they work as healers. You know how doctors always have cold hands? Well...I'm sure you can figure out why." He grinned wider. "Oh, and if they ever have to check your head...kick and scream kids, kick and scream. You know what zombies crave, after all."

Whether they believed him or not, the kids all huddled closer together. They were terrified. Seeing this, Garet laughed loudly, and once again his maniacle laughter echoed through the night. He was having _fun!_

* * *

**End:**_ I Was a Teenage Necromancer_

* * *


	3. Hama Ruins Everything

**_Garet's Crack Stories_  
By Joker's Specter**

**  
Haha, I bumped up the rating due to this story. I'm not sure if I had to or not, but it's just in case. Hama is great.  
-Joker**

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Disclaimer: Golden Sun is owned by _Nintendo_ and _Camelot_.  


* * *

Garet scratched his stomach. He was having fun, but the kids didn't seem to be as amused as he hoped they would be. What was going on? He thought he was hilarious.

"Hey, kids," he said. "I don't get you. I'm doing you a favor here."

The kids cowered as the large Mars Adept stood to his feet--which was quite intimidating with the flames roaring in front of him.

Garet eyed them and tried to comprehend the situation. "Well..." he said more to himself as he thought it over, "I guess zombies might scare little kids..." He then thought back to the Wise One story. "And you might be too young to understand childbirth." Garet had to admit even he was in the dark on a lot of details regarding _that_ topic.

He snapped his fingers as a sudden realization came to him: he was going over their heads with his stories. A small laugh escaped him. "Silly me. I need to take it down to your level!"

The Adept sat back down on his log. "Okay... I think I've got a good one. Raise of hands here; who knows what mind reading is?"

Nearly every hand went up. Some were a bit slower than others, clearly being cautious of what they were getting into.

"Good, good. You little ones seem to get mind reading, so this story should work," Garet said with a wide grin. He stuck his hand out and used a little psynergy to build up the fire some more to keep the area lit up. "This is the story of how Hama ruins everything."

**!-Hama Ruins Everything-!**

"I'll raise 50 coins," Felix said with confidence. He pushed a stack of coins into the center of the wooden table he was sitting at with his friends. They were all playing late into the afternoon in Isaac's backyard, and Felix had just barely shown up thanks to an invite from Isaac.

Felix had the perfect poker face. His expression never changed for the few rounds he had been playing. That would have been to his advantage, except for one detail he overlooked.

Ivan's older sister, Hama, was in town for a short visit and decided to spend time with the other Adepts. The Jupiter Adept was sitting to the left of Felix, so when it was her turn she turned to look directly at him. Her hard eyes bored into Felix, making him extremely uncomfortable. Every other person at the table--Garet, Isaac, Jenna, and Mia--were looking at Hama intently. They all held their breath.

"I fold," Hama said quietly, laying her cards down.

"Me too," Isaac said immediately after.

Garet tossed his cards onto the table."Count me out."

"Lucky Felix..." Jenna murmured, laying hers down as well.

Mia gave a shrug and a small smile. "Fold."

Felix looked around at them all. He had just pulled a straight flush...and suddenly they all fold. "What the heck, guys?" he exclaimed, showing he clearly didn't know what was going on.

Nobody responded. In fact, they were acting quite innocent. _Too_ innocent. Felix scowled and collected the few coins he managed to win from the blinds. "What a waste of a straight flush..."

Felix was more than a little irritated. The next hand he managed to get a small pair dealt to him. He tried to bluff that one. He raised big.

Hama only considered for a few seconds before calling. That spurred the others to call as well, except Isaac, who didn't seem to be happy with his hand.

Felix was dominated. Hama re-raised him on the next bet, and while everyone folded, Felix kept up with his bluff and went all-in. Hama didn't even hesitate, and took him for all he had. He had a pair of fives, she had a pair of eights.

"Agh. I've only been here five minutes!" Felix said as he sadly watched Hama gather all the gold coins on the table.

Garet stood up and stretched. "Well, now that the only oblivious one has nothing, I'm out of here." He turned to walk away, but couldn't resist it. He added," By the way Felix, Hama is probably the best Mind Reader in the world." After taking in Felix's shocked expression, Garet grinned and walked off. Everyone else departed too, with Isaac and Jenna patting Felix on the back as they strode past him.

Felix stood there, stunned. That wasn't fair--he'd been scammed!

He stuck his hands in his empty pockets and frowned, suddenly wondering how much his sword would sell for.

!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!  
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!

Isaac caught up to Hama later that evening with hopes of congratulating her and, well, since he was the one who invited Felix...maybe receiving some of the winnings. He desperately wanted to refurnish his house, and he needed new socks.

"Hey Hama!" Isaac said as he ran up to the older woman.

"Hello Isaac," she greeted with a warm smile. The purple-haired Jupiter Adept stopped walking and allowed Isaac to catch up to her.

Returning her smile, Isaac said, "So, I was wondering--"

"If you could have some of my winnings? I don't think that's how it works, Isaac," Hama cut in.

Isaac's face fell. "Er, well, yeah... That's what I--"

"Wanted, yes, I know."

"I know you know. But--"

"You wanted to tell me yourself. Yes, I know."

Isaac was getting a little creeped out now. "Um. Well, I guess--"

"You'll be going off now? I know," she interrupted again, still smiling. Hama was apparently taking great pride in her abilities.

"I know you know! But I--"

"Still wanted to tell me. By the way, you have to go to the bathroom in three minutes. Please head home." After using both her gift of mind reading and foresight, she then leaned in and looked at him _very_ seriously. "We mustn't have any more accidents like that one time."

Isaac was a little dumbfounded as Hama smiled and walked off. A few girls giggled and ran off after having heard the conversation, much to Isaac's embarrassment. He gritted his teeth.

Already feeling quite annoyed, his irritation rose to a new level moments after that. Grimacing, he made a beeline for his bathroom.

!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!  
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!

Ivan blushed.

Sheba blushed, too.

"This was a nice date, Ivan," Sheba said sincerely. "I'm glad you asked me out."

Ivan smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well... It was fun. I just hope we can do it again someti--"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Hama appeared from behind them. Ivan and Sheba had been sitting on a bench, having just finished a picnic. Hama laid her hand on Ivan's shoulder.

"The relationship you're seeking is not going to work out. It ends with you being stuck with nine kids. I'm...I'm sorry, Ivan," Hama said solemnly, then walked off. She was gone as quickly as she had appeared.

Ivan frowned and turned to look at Sheba, who looked very confused. "What did she mean?" the girl inquired.

A heavy sigh escaped Ivan. "Dang it," he muttered, then wandered off without saying a word.

"Ivan?" Sheba called after him. "Ivan! What about our date tomorrow?!"

!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!  
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!

Jenna yawned as she walked to her house. It was getting late, and she still needed to do some chores when she got back home. The Mars Adept grumbled at the thought, wondering if maybe she could bribe her brother to do them. Maybe if she paid him a couple of coins... He was hurting for money now, so she imagined he'd be putty in her hands for a few weeks until he made back what he lost earlier.

The girl began pondering on other things she could try to get Felix to do for her as she walked into her house. She was so focused, she didn't even realize Hama was in the room with her parents until they called out to her.

"Jenna! Look, we have a visitor!" her mother said with a smile. "Come say hello."

Since Jenna had just recently left the poker game an hour before that, she merely gave a half-hearted wave. "What's up?" she asked.

Hama stood up and bowed respectfully. "I was just telling your parents how I earlier read your mind and came across some very interesting information."

Jenna sat in a chair and raised her eyebrow. This couldn't be good. "Oh?" she said with a wary look.

"Yes," Hama said. "Normally I could figure this out myself, but I became quite curious and requested an audience with you so that I may ask some questions. Your parents were kind enough to wait with me. Also, they're interested in the topic of the conversation."

Jenna held her breath. She had several thoughts in her head she would rather keep private, and having her parents here made her extremely nervous. "Can you two, uh...leave us alone for a minute?"

Jenna's dad waved dismissively. "Nonsense Jenna! Hama told us that it's about something you've written. We didn't know you're an author-we're quite pleased!"

Her mom agreed. "I'd like to read your stories, sweetie."

A small pop could be heard from Jenna's knuckles as her hands gripped the arm of her chair tightly. Her face had paled, and she wasn't breathing anymore. "S-Something I've written?" she managed to squeak out. She only wrote one type of story...and it was meant for her eyes only.

Hama smiled. "I'm very curious Jenna... In your stories you've created some very unusual positions that I need a bit more detail on."

Jenna started sputtering. "P-Positions? What are you t-talking about?" she said, trying to act innocent. The color in her face changed directions and went from pale to bright red. Her parents looked back and forth between Hama and Jenna, trying to figure out why their daughter suddenly looked like she was ill.

To make things worse, at that very moment Felix walked in with Garet and Mia right behind him.

"Well, Jenna" Hama said, tapping her chin and looking up with a quizzical expression on her face. "It's been a long time since I've been intimate with someone, but in your stories the male often penetrates the female in the most unusual positions, like the one where they're both standing and her leg is--"

By this point Jenna's heartbeat was all that she could hear. It shook her entire body as time seemed to come to a standstill. She watched every detail of her parents' faces as they went from smiling to looks of shock and horror. She could hear the loud laugh of Garet, the embarrassed gasp of Mia, and she could feel Felix's eyes staring at her. And Hama still went on and on. Jenna wanted to die.

Almost a full minute had passed by the time Hama began wrapping it up. Jenna wasn't sure if she took a breath the entire time.

"--finishing with the naked ritual chant and dancing. Does that actually increase the pleasure? And how is it possible?" Hama asked, ending her rather long and detailed question. She looked at Jenna with genuine curiosity.

The rest of the room was silent, except for Garet who had tears on his face and fell over laughing.

!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!  
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!

It was late into the night before Felix finally sent Garet home. Jenna had passed out shortly after Hama practically destroyed her in front of her family and friends. Felix suspected Jenna somehow managed to force herself to pass out more than it being accidental. _Nobody_ would want to stay awake in her position, no matter how tough they were. Before he left, Garet joked that Hama had downed Jenna with Mind Read.

Mia had stuck around to help tend to Jenna. The Mercury Adept had a prominent blush on her cheeks the entire time. She hadn't heard of any positions like those before, and she actually found herself wondering how they would work as well, despite her resistance to such thoughts.

"How's she doing?" Felix asked. He managed to calm his parents down a bit. They wanted to go through Jenna's stuff to find the offending stories, but he talked them out of it. He would make sure Jenna knew that she owed him _big_ when she woke up.

Mia's hands were glowing as she moved them back and forth over Jenna's body, which had been propped up on some pillows. "She's healing up wonderfully," she said with a smile.

Felix sat in a chair and watched as Mia went about her business. "What's wrong with her?"

Mia blinked. "Well," she said in a professional voice. "All of the blood that rushed to her head in her embarrassment overloaded her brain and shut it down."

That prompted an understanding nod from Felix. "Ahh, I see."

Hama looked up from one of the stories she was reading--one of _Jenna's_ stories. "That's wrong Mia."

Mia nearly fell over when she heard Hama speak.

"You don't know what's wrong with her," Hama said with a yawn. "You're just guessing, like you've always done your whole life. You just leave it up to Ply and hope it works."

Felix was stunned. "Whaaaat?" he heard himself say. Mia was _the_ healer. Everyone preferred going to her when they were sick or wounded. And if Hama said she didn't know what she was doing, then it must be true. It was mind-boggling. Mia, the healer, not having a clue as to what she'd been doing this entire time.

Mia's head turned to Felix, and she looked like she was going to cry. "I...I..."

Felix raised an eyebrow. He already had one teenage girl he'd have to deal with--whenever the little pervert would wake up that is. He really didn't want to handle another sobbing female.

"F-Felix, I...." Mia whispered.

Felix couldn't really imagine Mia as one to keep a secret like this, but who was he to stop whatever worked? The Venus Adept held up his hand to silence her. "My mouth is shut if the price is right," he said. There. That should solve both their problems.

Mia's eyes lit up. Then they narrowed, and she leaned in and whispered, "I'll double it if you help me kick Hama out."

Hama stood up and waved Jenna's story at them. "Okay, okay, I know what you're planning. I'm leaving," she said.

And with that, Hama walked out of the house, still clutching Jenna's story. She had quite a few friends she wanted to show it to.

"Hama's a jerk," Felix muttered as soon as Hama shut the door.

Hama opened it again and peeked back in. "Am not."

When she left again, Felix and Mia both decided not to say anything more about Hama.

Ever again.

"Good idea!" they heard her call from outside.

**!-Hama Ruins Everything-!**

Garet finished his story with a big smile. Then he looked at his audience and his face fell. "Oh, shoot. I forgot about the whole part with Jenna," he said, rubbing his chin. "Definitely not intended for you little ones."

He got a bright idea and stood to his feet. "I know how to fix this. Show of hands--who knows what 'being intimate' is?" he asked.

The little boys and girls looked around at each other, but nobody raised their hands.

"Problem solved!" Garet exclaimed. He folded his arms and--

"You're about to nod," a voice behind him said. Garet screamed.

"Hello Garet," Hama said, stepping into the light. "You _were_ going to nod, anyway."

Letting out a sigh of relief, Garet said "Oh, it's--"

"You," Hama finished for him. "Yes, it's me."

Garet's eyebrows creased. "Please--"

"Stop that."

Garet stared hard at Hama. Hama just smiled. "I just came to visit," she said. "And you can forget about taping my mouth shut. I know what you're thinking."

"I know you--"

"Know. Yes, you're quite right."

A growl escaped Garet's throat. "What am I thinking--"

"Now? You're thinking I should be running," Hama said with an amused tone in her voice. She thought about that for a moment, then added, "Yes, that's a good idea."

Hama turned to walk away. Before she left, she turned her head to look at the kids and said, "These little kids remind me of the time you were afraid of the potty as a child."

At that point, Hama was forced to start running, because Garet was chasing her and flinging fire at her.

"You stupid--"

"Purple-headed creep fest? Amusing, but you can do better than that!" Hama called back to Garet.

"Argh! I'll make you eat fire you--"

"Garet! That's a naughty word! Not in front of the children!"

"_Aaaagggghhhh--_"

"I'd finish that angry yell for you, but it just doesn't suit me!"

The kids were laughing as they watched the sight. One of the younger ones clapped her hands together and said with a giggle, "I like Hama!"

Meanwhile, across Weyard in the hidden city of Lemuria, Piers walked through his ship. He finally felt like it was time to break open his hidden cupboard and experience the best drink he'll ever have. The wine he stashed away was ancient; hundreds of years old. He was getting excited just at the thought of it. It would be delicious. It had been a long wait for him, and a lifetime for others.

Removing the proper boxes and prying away a few loose boards, he discovered the small dusty cupboard right where he left it. He smiled and opened it.

A note fell out of the otherwise empty cupboard. Piers bent down to pick it up. The note only had three words on it. In big, loopy letters, it said, "Hama was here."

* * *

  
**End:**_ Hama Ruins Everything_  


* * *


	4. Private Investigator Sheba

**_Garet's Crack Stories_  
By Joker's Specter**

******  
Could. Not. Resist. Credit for the case idea goes to Dracobolt.  
-Joker**

* * *

**  
Disclaimer:** Golden Sun is owned by _Nintendo_ and _Camelot_.

* * *

After Hama escaped and Garet settled down, the kids returned to being a little frightened. While Hama's interruption had definitely been fun, the tension in the air was much stronger than before now that Garet was frustrated. A few veins could be seen poking out of his forehead in the flickering light cast from the fire.

When Garet was frustrated, one poor soul usually suffered. In Vale's plaza, while dancing with her friends, a chill ran up Mia's spine. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like something bad was going to happen.

Back at the fire pit, Garet growled, "Okay kids. Now that the basket case is gone, I'm going to tell you a story about Mia." It wasn't that he disliked Mia, but she was definitely the easiest to tease and take his irritation out on. Plus, it was hilarious, and often made him feel better.

"Our story begins with my Jupiter Adept friend, Sheba."

**!-Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy-!**

Sheba was bored. Bored and _broke_. It wasn't a good combination for any person, let alone a person with powerful elemental abilities. The second time the young girl was told to stop chasing cats with whirlwinds, she decided that she needed a job. That's how the young Jupiter Adept wound up as a private investigator.

Or, rather, she wouldn't settle for anything less. A few people offered her jobs, but after traveling around the world and then saving it, it just didn't seem fitting to take a job as silly as a waitress or errand girl. And the offer to clean an outhouse was just downright offensive.

"There, finished!" Sheba exclaimed. She stood back and observed her work, having just erected a sign over her little stand that she hastily built. The words "Private Investigator Sheba" were scrawled in messy, bright paint. The still-wet paint ran over the lower portion of the sign, which said, "No case too small if you can pay. Favors accepted."

She once had a fantasy of everyone in Vale owing her a favor. Could the detective business be the stepping stone to that dream? Possibly, but she would rather take money as her first choice. With money she could _buy_ favors.

Her first case came almost immediately when Garet ran up, yelling out the name of his cat.

"Jean-Luc Picarrrrd! Where are yoooouuuu?!" he called in a sing-song tone. "Heeeerrrrre kitty kitty kitty kittyyyyy!"

"Hey Garet," Sheba said with a small wave from her seat.

Garet froze and looked at Sheba's stand. The wood that made up the small desk looked like it was stolen from an outhouse, and her chair was nothing more than a tree stump. It was clear she picked her location based on that stump.

"'Private investigator'?" Garet said.

"Yes."

"When did this happen?"

Sheba stretched. "Oh, just now. Wanna hire me?"

Garet looked at the messy sign again. "Um...what do you mean by 'favors accepted'?" he asked hesitantly.

With a smile, Sheba said, "It's easy. I solve the case, and you owe me a favor that you can't back out of."

Garet folded his arms and seemed to consider that. "That seems fair. But what if you ask me to do something ridiculous, like kill somebody?"

"I probably won't do that."

"Hm... I see..." Garet murmured with a light nod. "I'm reasonably interested in what you have to offer, but how can I know you'll be successful?"

Sheba's smile grew to a big grin. "For you my friend, I guarantee success."

Garet walked up to the desk and held out his hand. "I'll take two!" he stated.

"...what?"

"I mean--we have a deal!" Garet corrected himself.

The Jupiter Adept was elated. Her first case! She grabbed Garet's hand and shook it. "You'll be paying by favor, then?"

"Uh huh. I need to save up, so all my money is put away," Garet said, still shaking Sheba's hand.

Sheba was silent for a moment as she focused her psynergy. "Ahh. You're broke, too," she finally said with a knowing smile.

Garet yanked his hand away from Sheba and glared at her. "I always forget about that..."

"Okay, sounds like we have a deal then. Case accepted. Your cat is up in that tree," Sheba said, pointing to a tree about a hundred yards away.

"Jean-Luc Picard! How did he get up there?" Garet inquired as they ran over to the tree.

Sheba had an emotional flashback to the time--thirty minutes earlier, in fact--that she used whirlwind and flung the cat into the tree. "Oh, probably climbed," she lied.

When Garet got Jean-Luc Picard out of the tree, the cat hissed at Sheba and ran away toward Garet's house. Garet called after him, saying, "Mom has your dinner out!" The large Mars Adept then turned to Sheba with a wide grin. "Thanks Sheba, I guess I owe you one."

"You do," Sheba confirmed. After an uncomfortable silent moment where the young girl seemed to be concentrating on something, she then added slowly, "I...think I know just what to have you do for me."

Garet winced. "This soon? Should I brace myself?"

Smiling sweetly up at him, Sheba said, "Only if you don't like me."

Staring at Sheba, Garet tried to put two and two together. His cheeks reddened as he came to a conclusion. "You...want..._those_ type of favors?"

Sheba read his mind, then slapped him. "No, idiot. I want you to become my assistant in the detective business!" she said. "All good private investigators need an assistant to explain their reasoning to. Plus, I need someone to do the odd jobs."

Garet looked bewildered. "Wait, you're hiring me? What type of odd jobs?" he asked apprehensively.

"Oh, you know, the usual."

As it turned out, "the usual" consisted of tearing down the stand and rebuilding it until Sheba deemed it perfect, doing lunch runs every day (to Kay or his mom), and finding cases around Vale. There were more things, but they were so boring that Garet fell asleep a few times in the process of completing them, and thus are not worth mentioning.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!  
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

The first few days were terribly slow, and Sheba almost had to close down business for good. Aside from a few old ladies who thought the idea was cute but had no mystery, and a man who thought it was a lemonade stand, nobody stopped by. Sheba even had Garet chase down a few people, but that proved to be no luck either as they locked themselves in their houses and refused to come out.

Their first big break came when they found out Mia had a baby. Apparently it was a surprise to everybody.

"It's funny... I thought she was just getting fat," Garet whispered to Sheba while shaking his head.

So did Mia by the look of things. The detective duo had taken the afternoon off to visit the Mercury Adept at the sanctum. Sheba observed the situation, noting that she didn't particularly like the little blob they called a baby. "He's cute," she said. Her elbow found its way into Garet's ribs.

"Cute," Garet mimicked with a grunt of pain.

"Thanks, both of you," Mia said with a small, pathetic smile. Her usually beaming face seemed depressed. She cradled the baby closer to her.

Sheba sat in a chair next to the blue-haired girl's bed. "What's the problem, Mia?"

Mia looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. "I...don't think the baby will ever know who his father is."

Having desperately been searching for a case, Sheba jumped right on the chance to help Mia. "A missing daddy? It sounds like you need our help," Sheba said with a nod. "We're running a detective agency."

"Well, no, he wouldn't be missing... All the, er, candidates are here."

Sheba looked back at her assistant. "Here? In this room?" she asked.

"Whoa, don't look at me!" Garet said, raising his hands and backing away.

"No, no, in Vale," Mia corrected. "I'm, um...unsure of them all, or which one is the father."

"That raises a lot of questions," Sheba said while rubbing her chin.

Mia bit her lip. "I'll pay well if we can skip those."

Jumping to her feet, Sheba stuck her hand out before Garet could stop her. "Private Eye Sheba, at your service!"

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!  
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

Sheba and Garet exited the sanctum while looking over a list that Mia had written up for them. Each of the many names on the list were people Mia had been intimate with in the past year since they all moved to Vale. It was quite a long list.

"I notice you're not on the list," Sheba said with a smirk.

Garet shrugged. "I had my chance, but passed on it. She was drunk and looked...diseased. Looks like I made the right choice, based on the amount of people on that list..." He paused, then added, "For her birthday, maybe I'll buy her some panties that say, 'Beware all ye who enter' on the front."

Sheba approved of that idea, but didn't say so. Running her eyes over the list, she decided to start with the obvious people first. "The baby has a few strands of blue hair. That could be from Mia, but let's talk to Piers first, just in case," Sheba decided.

As they walked to the small house that Piers lived in, a thought came to Garet.

"Sheba...how are we supposed to find out who the baby's father is?"

"Good question. Keep it up--that will get you far in this business," Sheba complimented. She tossed Garet a treat, then added, "We're going to use our deductive reasoning to hopefully narrow it down to one guy."

Garet raised an eyebrow while munching on his treat. "And if there's more than one guy?" he asked.

"Then we'll find out who can support her and treat her the best, and claim he's the daddy," the Jupiter Adept stated with a shrug.

"Uh..." Garet rubbed the back of his head and said, "Isn't that wrong?"

Sheba waved the list in front of Garet's face. "I'll tell you what's wrong--teenagers nowadays can't keep it in their pants, that's what's wrong," she said firmly.

Garet couldn't argue with that. He wanted to point out that he and Sheba were teenagers, too, but decided against it. She had told him when training him that assistants weren't mean to offer new perspectives when the lead detective had an idea set in their head. They walked on in silence, until Garet said, "This would make a funny story."

"A story about Mia's sexual adventures?" Sheba asked.

"Yeah, definitely. Her you-know-what must be famous by now, so I'm sure it'd sell a lot. I could call it 'Mia's Kitty'."

Sheba put her palm over her face and sighed.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!  
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

Piers was a lot more cooperative than Sheba had anticipated. The questions she asked didn't seem to phase him very much, either.

"When was the last time you had sex with Mia?" Sheba inquired sharply, staring at Piers.

Shrugging, the Lemurian calmly replied, "I can't say that we've ever had sex, actually."

"But your name is on the list," Garet said. "That means you're a suspect."

Piers grabbed the list from Garet and looked at it quizzically. "Is that so? A suspect for what?"

Sheba snatched the list away from Piers. "For knocking up Mia," she said, offering only a quick explanation.

"'Knocking up Mia'? What do you mean?" Piers asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Impregnating her. Putting a bun in her oven, if you get my drift," Sheba said. She kept her hand near Piers, just in case she had to do a quick mind read.

Piers backed away. "Yeah, yeah. I 'get your drift', Sheba. No, we haven't had sex."

"So why are you on the list?" Garet questioned, tapping the paper in Sheba's hand.

"She was drunk and we fooled around a bit, but it felt weird so I didn't let it go any further," Piers explained. "Plus, us Lemurians are experts at not having intercourse--we'd have hundreds of kids if we gave in to that temptation. Maybe in her drunken state she was under the impression we had sex," he added. When he finished, he ran his hand through his blue hair and glared at the two detectives. "That's all."

Sheba grabbed his hand without asking and read his mind. After a moment, her expression changed to one of disgust. "I guess you're telling the truth. But you're a dirty man anyway--apparently there's a lot you can do other than having intercourse."

Sheba and Garet left Piers' house looking a little more wet than when they entered.

"I really don't think the Douse was necessary," Garet muttered. "Especially on me."

"Whatever. He's innocent, so let's head to our next stop," Sheba said while wringing out her hair.

Garet looked down at the dripping paper in his hand. "Where's our next stop?"

Sheba leaned over and looked at the list. "The blue hair thing is a bust, I guess. We can't really go off of looks, so let's just check whoever is nearest to us now."

Scanning the list, Garet bit his lip. "In that case, I think I want you to handle this next one alone. I don't really want to discuss this with our next suspect."

Sheba looked around and realized where they were. "Kraden?"

"Kraden," Garet confirmed.

They stared at each other, each trying desperately to put walls up around their imagination.

"I'm not sure my stomach can handle that one," Garet said with barely more than a whisper.

Sheba sighed. "Fine, I'll go it alone for this one. In the mean time, I want you to do a lunch run," she said.

For once, Garet was more than happy to do a lunch run. He thrust the list into Sheba's hands and ran off, leaving a very pale Sheba to walk up to Kraden's cottage.

After getting invited in by the energetic old man, Sheba decided that making it quick would be the best thing, and cut right to the chase.

"When was the last time you had sex with Mia?" Sheba asked, her voice louder than she had intended.

Kraden's fuzzy eyebrows shot above his glasses. "Oh ho, my, that was unexpected."

Sheba shut her eyes and asked the question again.

The sage seemed to ponder the question for a moment. Sheba peeked through her eyelids and saw Kraden pulling out a book.

"Let's see..." he said, running a finger over a page he opened up to. "According to my log book, it was during the last town festival. She's a feisty drunk," Kraden chuckled.

Sheba's mind was mostly frozen. She was having a hard time grasping just what the log book could be for, and she didn't even really want to know. Then there was the fact that Kraden didn't deny a thing, which she was hoping for. An explanation like Piers' would've been preferable to what the old man's had been. But nope; it happened. Her mind was just stuck.

"If you're trying to figure out if I'm the father, I'll make it easy for you," Kraden suddenly said, tucking the book into his sleeve. "I'm incapable of having children in my old age. As an added point to consider, I also used protection. The smarter of us men know not to risk disease."

A few wheels in Sheba's head clicked into action, and she nodded very slowly. "Okay. Bye," she said in a deadpan voice, then she wandered out of the house.

Her head shook and she shivered as chills ran over her entire body. Just as she took her first step away from the house, Kraden poked his head out.

"Also, if you're wondering if I've still got it in my old age... Mia agrees with me that I most certainly do!"

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!  
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

After a rejuvenating lunch consisting of some of Kay's best work yet (or maybe it just tasted better because Sheba desperately needed to take her mind off of a certain thing), Garet and Sheba moved to their next destination.

"Still no leads..." Garet murmured. "This is getting us nowhere."

Sheba grabbed the list and tore out the names of Piers and Kraden--partially to narrow down the list, but mostly to get rid of the ugly reminders. "We'll just keep going in order of location until we come to the last person on the list," she said while thinking deeply. "It'll probably take a while, and it won't be pretty, but this is the life of a private investigator."

"But...I didn't want this life in the first place," Garet said with a frown.

Waving him off, Sheba said, "Don't worry about it. Once we solve this case things will go smoothly for us. We'll get paid, and people will know to take us seriously."

And with that unbending confidence guiding her, Sheba led Garet to each person on the list. It took all day due to how many people Mia had spread her legs for. Felix, the blacksmith, the creepy old guy who lived by himself, several sages, the milkman, and even the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker were just a few of the men listed. Sheba and Garet were relieved to find Ivan's name absent from the list--at least Mia hadn't robbed the cradle with any underage adepts.

Garet was also happy to see that none of his family were on the list.

"I'm not sure who this guy is. Who's Grant?" he asked while looking over the list again.

Sheba looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You don't know your own dad's name?"

Garet dropped the list. "_What?!_" he exclaimed. "M-My dad?! But...he's married!"

"Oh, it's okay," Sheba said as she picked up the list. "In parenthesis it says Cindy was involved with them at the time, too." She spun back around to Garet. "You seriously didn't know your dad's name?"

"I just call him dad!" Garet moaned loudly. "And who the heck is Cindy?!"

"Uh. Cindy is your mom."

The shock was too much. Sheba had to revive Garet at the sanctum after that, because he passed out after emptying his lungs with a horrified yell. When he regained consciousness he claimed his life was ruined, and that he'd never be able to look his parents in the face again.

"Eff em ell," he muttered bitterly as they wandered out of the sanctum. "I'm moving out _tonight_."

Sheba couldn't blame the Mars Adept. She didn't exactly feel comfortable around most Valeans anymore. It was like orgy village or something, and Mia was the town horse. Everybody was riding her.

"I'm just irritated that we haven't had any luck so far. Anybody who matches up with proper intercourse and the correct time used protection," Sheba said quietly. A scowl was spread across her face. "This is getting us nowhere."

"And ruining my life in the process," Garet quipped.

"Quiet. We need to think. Who is the next best suspect?" Sheba asked with a serious tone.

Garet looked at the list. "You know, I've been thinking. Isn't it weird that Isaac's not on the list?"

Sheba's pace suddenly decreased. "That...does...seem to be odd, considering how much time they spend together," she mused.

Suddenly, Garet snapped his fingers. "I've got it! Saturos kidnapped Isaac and put on an Isaac disguise. Then, he banged Mia and used his ability to make people forget things (by knocking them out) to make Mia forget about it! That's why he's not on the list."

Sheba slapped him. "Saturos is _deeaaaaaaad!!!_" she exclaimed.

"Oh, right," Garet muttered, rubbing his face. "Well, what other explanation is there for him not being on the list?"

Sheba grabbed Garet's hand and started dragging him toward Isaac's house. "Maybe they did nothing, but it _is_ suspicious, him being the token hero and all."

"Why does that make it suspicious?"

Sheba squinted in the sunlight as they walked hastily up the path. "Because everyone knows..." she started to say. She paused long enough to pull out some sunglasses and slip them on, then added, "...that the main hero gets the most action."

Garet didn't look amused at all. "That's a stupid theo-- _YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-owwwwww!_ Watch where you're stepping!" Garet yelled, limping after Sheba "accidentally" stomped on his foot.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!  
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

It took a little effort, but Sheba and Garet managed to break into Isaac's house. They originally knocked, but Isaac wouldn't let them in. If it weren't for the sudden thumping of feet running up some stairs when they pounded at his door, they wouldn't have known he was inside in the first place.

"What are you hiding, Isaac? Why are you avoiding us? Did you sex up Mia?" Sheba grilled after they corned him.

"N-No! Of course not!" Isaac shouted, holding up a broom to shield himself with. His sword was still in the kitchen where he had used it to slice bread earlier.

Sheba wasn't convinced. However, she couldn't get close enough to mind read Isaac.

"C'mon, tell the truth Isaac," Garet said calmly while munching on some snacks from Isaac's kitchen. "It's not cool to leave a woman with your child and not help out."

"The brat isn't mine, I tell ya! You'll never prove it!" Isaac yelled.

Sheba had had enough--it was time to dig through the dirty depths of Isaac's mind. "Garet, use tackle!" Sheba ordered, tossing Garet a treat.

Garet popped the treat in his mouth and then tackled Isaac, bowling him over and slamming him into the wall. "Sorry, bud!" he hissed through clenched teeth. Picking Isaac up, the large Mars Adept drove him into the hardwood floor and pinned him to the ground.

"Get off me you brute! I'll kill you!" Isaac snarled with wild eyes.

Sheba walked forward and grabbed Isaac's ear roughly. As she concentrated her psynergy, a look of shock and awe appeared on her face.

"I... I don't believe it," she whispered, looking at Garet with wide eyes.

"What? What'd you find out?" Garet asked, struggling to keep Isaac subdued.

Sheba shook her head. "Tie him up," she ordered firmly. "We're taking this scumbag to the sanctum."

It took some effort, but Garet managed to hogtie and gag Isaac. Hauling him over his shoulder, the pair of detectives walked to the sanctum. On the way, Sheba gathered the Mayor and a few of the stronger adepts in town.

"Mia, I've solved the case!" Sheba exclaimed happily as they entered the sanctum.

Mia's eyes went wide. "You...you figured out who the father is?" she asked, astonished.

Sheba nodded roughly. "Yes. Put him down, Garet."

Garet set Isaac down on the stone floor. "I'm so disappointed in you, Isaac," he muttered with a disapproving look.

Mia leaned forward in the bed. "Isaac? Isaac's the father? But he wasn't on the list!" she said. "I don't ever remember being intimate with him..."

Shaking her head, Sheba said, "Not Isaac." She slammed her hand down on Isaac's golden hair and cast reveal.

Everyone gasped as the psynergy spread out in a radius, revealing who "Isaac" really was.

"Saturos!" Mia and Garet exclaimed in shock.

"Who?" the Mayor asked, scratching his chin.

Ignoring him, Sheba released the psynergy and, with her hand still on the messy hair of "Isaac", yanked upward, pulling off a masterfully crafted mask.

"I was right?" Garet squeaked as Saturos' face popped into view.

Sheba nodded. "Saturos invaded Vale nine months ago without anybody knowing. He kidnapped Isaac and took his place. It was the only way he could bone Mia."

Garet shrugged. "Not the _only_ way," he said quietly. "A little alcohol would've done it..."

Saturos spat at the PI and her assistant. "I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"

"You _did_ get away with it," Sheba pointed out. "And now you've got a toddler to help raise."

As a screaming Saturos was dragged off, with Mia telling Saturos not to forget about child support, Garet and Sheba exchanged high-fives. They immediately pestered Mia for their pay and, once it was safely in their pockets, they walked out out of the sanctum.

"You know," Garet said slowly. "This just brings up even more questions. What happened to Isaac? How did Saturos survive? And how did you go so long without reading his mind or using reveal on him? Plus, why doesn't the little squirt have scales like Saturos? Other than the blue hair, you wouldn't think it was his."

Sheba shrugged and jingled the gold in her pockets. "And as long as we're paid in full, the world may never know. Case closed!"

They walked side-by-side in the sunset, heading toward Garet's house for dinner. Sheba whipped out her sunglasses again and equipped them while a few birds sung in the distance. Vale felt much safer to Sheba. Dirtier, but safer.

"...seriously. Where's Isaac?" Garet asked after a moment of silence.

"_Case. Closed._" Sheba said through her teeth. Her narrow eyes told Garet not to ask again.

With the case pronounced closed, they never found out that Isaac was sold in an underground slave operation to the Dwarven people of Loho.

**!-Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy-!**

"The end," Garet said with a satisfied smile.

Garet cleared his throat, remembering the age of his audience. It was hard to not get out of hand when he told stories.

"Who needs a bathroom break?" he asked.

Several hands shot up. A little boy muttered, "Too late."

Garet stood up. "Okay, let's go take a quick bathroom break, then we'll return! And remember kids, Mia likes it if you call her the town horse!" he said with a wide grin.

With his irritation from earlier completely gone, Garet happily marched with the kids single-file to Isaac's house to use the bathroom. After all, he wasn't about to let a bunch of little kids loose in _his_ bathroom. The mess they would create would surely be the stuff of legend.

* * *

**End:**_ Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy_

* * *


	5. Dullahan and Mimic's Excellent Adventure

****

**_Garet's Crack Stories_  
By Joker's Specter**

**This should be a sitcom.  
-Joker**

* * *

Disclaimer:

Golden Sun is owned by _Nintendo_ and _Camelot_.

* * *

On his way back to the campsite, with the kids closely behind him, Garet made a point of walking by the plaza where the party was being held.

"I'm _not_ having fun. This totally sucks. Just thought I'd update you on that," he exclaimed loudly so everyone could hear as he marched through the party.

Nobody cared.

Garet grit his teeth. "I bet they tricked me into drawing the shortest straw," he muttered as he left the plaza.

Back at the campsite all the kids settled down in various spots around the blazing campfire. Garet sat down on a wide log between a frightened looking set of boys.

"You know, you two remind me of me when I was younger," the large adept grinned, ruffling their hair with his gloved hands. "I could easily use that as a great way to start a story about my youth. Ahh, if ever there was a perfect childhood..." he added with a far-off look in his eyes.

But then he snapped out of it. "Instead, you get this next story, which is equally as awesome as my childhood. Fwoosh!" he said, running his hands over the flames in the fire pit and making them shoot upward.

**!-Dullahan and Mimic's Excellent Adventure-!**

Life in a dungeon is a tricky one. It was dark, cold, and boring. One could say it just wasn't as fun as it used to be, sitting there and waiting for an unsuspecting victim to come along. Most of the monsters in the dungeon hadn't had a proper meal in centuries. The mimic was one of them.

"I hate this," Mimic growled. Of all the talented creatures out there to be, _he_ had to be born as a mimic-Mother Nature's drunken experimentation. Not only that, but he was a mimic in the worst of all places-a dungeon unreachable by humans. It was a cruel, cruel life.

Centuries had gone by where he could do nothing but scuttle around, talk to the other dungeon inhabitants (they thought their current predicament sucked, too), and maybe hold a party or two every few hundred years. He had long since completed the seemingly unending "Song That Never Ends", and even Marco Polo wasn't a blast to play anymore with his friends.

In short, his was a cursed life.

The day that he decided he had had enough was the day the other chests no longer looked even remotely attractive to him anymore. They all had the same curves. "I need to bust out of here," he said to himself. "It's done. It's done, it's done, it's done. I'm through with this place. I'm _gone_."

And this time he meant it, too. Lesser monsters would've caved already, but he held out for as long as he could. He told himself it would be worth it to see the human's face when he started gnawing on its leg, but it just wouldn't be worth it anymore. It was his time to see the world-time to retire from his career. What kind of job was eating humans when there weren't any around?

"Dullahan!" shouted Mimic as he scuttled into a particularly large chamber of the dungeon. "C'mon man, let's ditch this place!"

Dullahan flashed into view in all his glory. A giant suit of armor, but with no helmet. A red cape flapped dramatically behind him. He was the image of pure terror. He also happened to be Mimic's best friend.

"What do you mean?" his voice echoed. Despite having no head, Dullahan was quite the conversationalist.

Mimic pumped his claw into the air. "We're better than this! What kind of life is sitting around, waiting centuries for people who probably won't get past the entrance? What's keeping us here, huh?" the little abomination exclaimed loudly.

Dullahan shrugged his big shoulders. "Well, I'm bound by godly forces to protect this tablet," he said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the summoning tablet shining brightly on the altar behind him. "It's all in my contract."

"Wait," Mimic said. "You have a contract?"

"Of course I do. I would never take a job without one. You know how many people get scammed out there?"

Mimic frowned. "Well, crap. That's lame. How do you get out of it?"

Dullahan pointed to the dark doorway. "It works like this. When the people come in through there, I unleash unholy pain and frustration on them and I keep my job. If I'm defeated and I lose the tablet, then I'm fired and the contract is void."

While Dullahan still motioned to the doorway, a flash of light appeared behind him. He turned around to see Mimic gnawing on the tablet. A few seconds later, it disappeared.

Dullahan dropped his sword in shock. "Stop that!" the giant yelled.

Shivering, Mimic walked away from the empty altar. "Whoa. What a rush. Does this mean Iris is my slave-girl now?" Oh, the possibilities.

"I just sent the down-payment on a new sword! I needed this job!" Dullahan yelled, glaring at his little friend.

Mimic was used to Dullahan's hissy fits. "What's wrong with the one you have?" the monster questioned. He burped out a piece of the tablet.

Dullahan kicked the blade he dropped on the floor. "It's not big enough! Catastrophe has me beat by a mile! And thanks to you, I'll never pass him up!"

The small monster scurried up next to Dullahan and pat a claw on his armored foot reassuringly. "Hey now, c'mon big buddy. Think of the roads I've just opened for us! Now you can make a fortune doing things you love!" he said with a toothy grin.

Looking down at Mimic with his headless body, Dullahan said, "Doing muscular poses?" He sounded hopeful.

"Er, no. I was thinking of shedding the blood of innocents. That sort of thing."

Dullahan sighed. "I suppose," he murmured, running his hand over his biceps absentmindedly. "But it's just not as fun without a bigger sword."

Mimic winked. "How about we make a pact then?" he asked.

"A pact?"

"Sure!" Mimic said. "All great adventures begin with a pact. 'We'll always be friends' or 'We won't let fame and fortune get to our heads', that sort of thing. I was thinking our pact could be that we don't slaughter innocents until we get you a sword bigger than Catastrophe's."

"And sharper?"

"And sharper than Catastrophe's", Mimic added. "That way, we won't ruin the experience until we're ready to enjoy it."

Dullahan looked back sadly at the empty space where the tablet used to be. "...I guess we may as well, now that I'll be fired."

Mimic jumped for joy. "Great, Dully! You've made my day!" he squealed enthusiastically.

"Hold on," Dullahan said, snatching his friend out of mid-air. "I need to pack."

"Whoa, whoa! Wait! _Not that_!"

Despite Mimic's protests, Dullahan packed his things into the chest-like monster. "Less baggage this way," he reasoned.

"You ath!" Mimic growled with a full mouth.

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

It took them ages, but they finally got out to the world. They tried for days to get out the front entrance somehow, but to no success. Then Dullahan remembered there was a back door to the place, and soon the pair were on their way. Dullahan had fashioned a carrying mechanism so he could sling Mimic over his shoulders and carry him on his back, making travel easier.

"Ithn't thith gweat?" Mimic said in a sickingly happy tone of voice through a mouthful of Dullahan's unmentionables. "The thun ith tho muth bwightew than I eveh thought pothible!"

For his part, Dullahan had no clue what Mimic was saying. "Thanks, you have beautiful eyes too!" Dullahan said cheerily, completely misunderstanding his companion.

The time they spent traveling was much quieter following that. It wasn't until sundown that Dullahan decided to stop.

After retrieving the tent from Mimic's mouth, Dullahan began to set it up. For his part, Mimic decided to start a fire. Once the flames were roaring, he spat Dullahan's things out on the ground next to the tent, and sat near the fire. A moment later, he was joined by Dullahan, who let out a relaxed sigh.

"So, Dully," Mimic said after they finished breaking out in campfire songs. "Where are we headed, anyway?"

If Dullahan had eyes, they would've been lost in thought. The giant poked and prodded the fire with his armored foot. He had a specific place in mind, but he wasn't sure if going there was the best idea. It would open up old wounds.

"I had a half-brother at one time," the giant suit of armor replied quietly. "It was ages ago. He and I used to be inseparable."

Mimic listened silently, staring at the flickering fire.

"Despite that, I was always jealous of him. He could sweet talk all the ladies. They would fall for every trick in the book with him," Dullahan said, turning a log in the fireplace over. "Heh. As for me... I used to terrify them. Sure, I may have accidentally killed a few and damned them to Hell for all time in the process, but I was going through a weird phase."

"Bad breakup?" Mimic questioned.

"No. Puberty."

"Ah, say no more," Mimic said with an understanding nod.

"It just wasn't fair. Everybody glorified him. He was also a brilliant craftsman. He could make anything he wanted. People would come from all over to see him and request things. I suppose deep down I always hated being with him, because it made me realize I would always be beneath him, his appeal, and his talents."

"Wait, we're not talking about Catastrophe, are we? Is this where the whole 'bigger sword' thing comes in?"

"Pfft, no way. I'd throw myself over Gaia Falls if Catastrophe was my brother. He's a jackass."

"Oh."

Dullahan kicked back into a reclining position. "Well, anyway... My brother had this group of friends. They were a bad influence on him-always telling him to do good things and whatnot... It wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't actually listen to them. Those accursed _adepts_."

Mimic hissed and clicked his claws together rapidly. "Devour! Maim! Kill!"

"Oh, I tried," Dullahan said with a wave of his hand. "I was all ready to remove their bones from their flesh and make wind chimes out of them, but my brother stopped me. He told me, 'Everyone tells me I should get rid of you. I never wanted to, but this is the last straw. Your heart is too evil.'"

"So he ditched you?" Mimic gasped, his eyes widening. "Cold, man! Cold!"

"And how! He stopped hanging around me. We shared a home, but he threw me out. Heartbroken, I was forced to wander aimlessly since then, because nobody wanted to hire a giant, headless, sentient suit of armor. I did a short gig as a spokesperson for Armor N' Things, but they fired me when I kept decapitating the customers. I was jobless and homeless until several hundred years ago when I got that job as a live-in protector of that tablet you destroyed."

"Man... Harsh. I'm sorry, Dully. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't know what you were going through."

Dullahan put a hand on Mimic's head and caressed it gently. "Don't worry about it, Mi-mi. I'm enjoying myself out here, with you," he whispered breathily.

Mimic used his spidery legs to back away slowly.

"Anyway, I think I want to go back. That's where I'm headed, but I'm not so sure it's the best idea I've ever had," Dullahan said. Doubt continued to plague him, even though it was his _only_ idea.

Mimic looked at Dullahan in surprise. "Back to your brother's place?"

"Yes. He lived in a town called Vale, up north."

"Huh. What's the point of going there? Is he still alive?" Mimic inquired.

Dullahan was silent for a moment. He gazed upward at the stars with the gaping abyss in his armor between the shoulder plates. "If he's dead," the giant said in barely a whisper, "I'll pay my respects."

Mimic moved closer again, having a hard time hearing Dullahan. "And if he's alive?"

Turning to his friend, Dullahan said in a more audible tone of voice, "If he's alive, my plan is to have him make me a sword bigger than Catastrophe's, kill him with it, then pay my respects. After that, I'll show off to Catastrophe and laugh at him while he cries."

Grinning, Mimic jumped in the air. "Then we'll go devour things! I think that's a great plan! Let's do it!"

Dullahan nodded enthusiastically with his torso and pumped a fist into the air. "And we'll spread terror and destruction all over Weyard! It's settled then-to Vale!"

"To Vale!" Mimic echoed.

They spent the rest of the evening eating gooey s'mores and swapping scary stories, until adjourning to the tent where Dullahan cuddled up with Mimic in his strong arms and slept. Mimic couldn't get out of the grip the entire night.

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

"This is Vale?" Mimic asked in astonishment.

"Yes," Dullahan answered as he scanned the town.

"Boooring~!" Mimic said, faking a yawn. He had long since ditched Dullahan's stuff.

The pair had reached Vale a few minutes before sunrise, and were looking out on the town while hiding behind some trees. Mimic wasn't very impressed. The fish they had for breakfast appeared tougher than the residents of Vale. It looked like they could kill everything in town just by breathing on them.

Dullahan ignored him. His mind was focused on just one thing.

Mimic jumped up onto Dullahan's shoulder. "Do you see your bro's place?" the little monster asked.

"Yep. It's the tallest one," he stated, pointing toward the town.

Mimic slipped when Dullahan pointed and fell into his armor. After rattling and clanging down to the crotch-piece, Mimic said with a grunt, "Well, at least his place is still there. That's a good sign, right?" It wasn't an uncommon occurence for him to fall into Dullahan. The first time it happened, Dullahan told Mimic he was the first person to ever be inside him. Mimic often walked by himself while traveling after that.

Dullahan casually retrieved Mimic and dropped him to the ground. "I guess so."

"So what are you waiting for, Dully? Go knock."

Hesitantly, Dullahan took a giant step forward. Then immediately moved back behind the tree again. "I don't know, Mims" he said. "What if he's not home?"

Mimic let out a frustrated sigh. "You pansy! Get moving! We came all this way, and I'm ready to devour somebody," he exclaimed, getting behind Dullahan's leg and pushing him forward. "May as well start with this village you dragged me to."

"But what if he doesn't remember me? Then my revenge won't be as sweet." Dullahan was rubbing his arm nervously.

Mimic continued to shove against Dullahan's foot. "Take it from me, Dully-you're not the type to easily be forgotten. Now come _on_!" With one final push, he managed to get Dullahan walking.

They weren't too worried about staying hidden at that point. Fortunately, it was early enough in the morning that nobody was around yet to scream and alert the town to the duo's presence.

"Hey, look, an inn!" Mimic pointed out. "After we finish dealing with your brother, we should totally go eat there."

Dullahan shrugged. "I'm not really in the mood for that. Old people usually run the inns. The younger crowd works at item shops," he said, motioning to the building that advertised various wares in its window. "We could try for something a little fresher."

"Ooh, good idea. Let's plan on that."

"It's a date, then," Dullahan said cheerily.

A little weirded out, Mimic made sure to stay a few feet away from Dullahan the rest of the trip to his brother's place.

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

"_This_ is his home?" Mimic gasped as they walked around the interior. "He must be loaded!"

"Well, he ought to be. Like I said, he can create anything he wants," Dullahan said with a sad tone. The jealousy was thick in his voice.

The pair walked through the open, brightly-lit chambers of Dullahan's brother's home. Elegant statues and decorations were placed all over. Mimic got a weird sensation while scuttling around. It was as if the place was..._holy_. A shiver ran up his wooden spine.

"Cold?" Dullahan asked, seeing Mimic visibly shake. "I could warm you up."

Mimic jumped back faster than he ever thought possible. "Nah, man. I mean, I just don't like it in here. It gives me the creeps."

Dullahan slowly turned his massive body around, gazing at the walls and archways. "It does have that whole 'Evil will be smitten' feel, doesn't it?"

"Definitely. Let's do this and get out of here," Mimic grumbled, shivering. "Call your brother. That way we can save ourselves the trouble of searching for him."

"Right, right. Good idea," the giant suit of armor said. "Let's see if it still works the same way..."

He proceeded to spread his legs a little bit and extend his massive arms upward. Blue flames erupted around his body, and an eerie howl rang out from inside his torso.

"_Ahahahaha_!" he cackled loudly. "Here I am, ready to steal the Elemental Stars! Oh what a positively evil, devious person I happen to be! I intend to bring back Alchemy to Weyard!" he said in a demonic sing-song voice.

Mimic stared at the spectacle with an open mouth. "Whoa. Relax man. I didn't want you to go all psycho on me."

Suddenly, a puff of smoke and confetti burst forth from the air in the middle of the room. A party whistle could be heard as the confetti rained over Dullahan and Mimic.

"Who dares enter my realm, and attempt to steal the sacred Elemental Stars?" boomed a deep voice.

From within the smoke cloud, a spherical floating figure materialized. Its giant eye swiveled around the room, until it rest on the intruding pair.

Dullahan cleared his non-existent throat. "Hey bro," he said with a wave.

Mimic coughed up some confetti. "Your brother is the Wise One?" he exclaimed, looking back and forth from Dullahan to the Wise One.

"Half-brother, yeah. He was my upper half," Dullahan explained. "Like I said, we were inseparable...until he removed himself from my shoulders and kicked me out.

"Dull One?" The Wise One exclaimed, stunned. "What are you doing here?" He zoomed down to hover right in front of Dullahan and Mimic. "It's been ages!" he added.

"Dull One? What's he mean by that?" Mimic asked quizzically.

The armor that made up Dullahan's body started to tint red slightly. "Er, well... That's my original name; The Dull One."

Mimic just shook his head. "Wait, wait, wait. So let me get this straight. You two used to be conjoined? And you were called _The Dull One_?"

Dullahan sighed. "If I knew I'd have to explain my life story to you, I'd have left you at the door," he murmured. "Yes, we were one being. And yes, after we separated, he was dubbed The Wise One and they called me The Dull One."

The little chest-like monster cracked up.

"Wait a moment, Dull One. Speaking of the door-how did you get into Sol Sanctum? The door should have been sealed," The Wise One said, eyeing the two suspiciously.

Dullahan and Mimic exchanged looks. "The door was open, actually..." the giant explained.

Wise One's blue eye widened, and he spun around a few times. "So if you didn't open it... Ah, crap. Pesky Proxians again..."

"Proxians? What are Proxians?" Dullahan asked.

"One sec-gotta purge the place. Be right back. Don't touch my stuff," Wise One said. He hovered high into the room and began floating around in circles. "Emergency! Danger! _Ree-roo-ree-roo-ree-roo_! Time to go all Home Alone on these Proxians!" he howled. Then, in a puff of confetti and smoke, he disappeared to the tune of a party whistle.

Dullahan and Mimic stepped aside to avoid the confetti.

"So, there you go. Meet the family," Dullahan said sarcastically.

Mimic shook his head and looked up at his buddy. "Dang man. No wonder you're so messed up."

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

Mimic and Dullahan passed the time by admiring the scenery in the many rooms of Sol Sanctum.

"You'd think with the ability to create anything, the guy would make something besides statues," Mimic mused while running his eyes over one of the many sculptures lining a wall.

"Well..." Dullahan said, "he always had a thing for statues, being a rocky-looking thing himself."

Their conversation was cut short by the honking of a horn. The Wise One shimmered into view in the space above their heads, along with several party balloons. The balloons burst when they hit the ceiling, raining candy down on Dullahan and Mimic's heads.

The Wise One swiveled his eye until it focused on the monster pair below him. "I apologize about that delay. Those Proxians won't know what hit them," the spherical figure chuckled. "So, what brings you back here, Dull One?"

Dullahan scratched his arm nervously. "Uh, for starters... I've changed my name. I go by Dullahan now."

"Dullahan? Why?"

Looking away, Dullahan sighed quietly and muttered, "Dull One is a degrading name."

The Wise One chuckled. "But it suits you! You have nothing upstairs, if you know what I mean."

Dullahan growled, causing Mimic to scurry away a few feet. "I'm not stupid!" Dullahan said to the Wise One. "Just because I don't have a head-which is _your_ fault, by the way-doesn't mean I can't figure things out."

The Wise One's eye narrowed as if he were studying his half-brother. "Hmm. If you say so. Very well, then-congratulations on your new name. Is that all you wanted to say?"

"No..." Dullahan said. He hesitated, looking back at Mimic.

Mimic gave a reassuring look to his friend, motioning for him to continue.

"Umm... You can still create whatever you want, right, Wise One?" Dullahan inquired.

Wise One tilted his body in the air. "Of course. I've been particularly fond of creating three-headed creatures lately. Did you want three heads?"

Dullahan made sound of disgust. "Heck no. One head was bad enough," he said bitterly, glaring at his other half.

Making a motion that looked much like he was shrugging, Wise One floated down until he was level with Dullahan. "Okay, so what did you want?"

Dullahan stood his ground. This is the moment he'd been waiting for. "I want... I want a sword bigger than Catastrophe's!" he blurted out after a moment's hesitation.

Wise One's eye narrowed. "A weapon? That's what you come and bother me with? There's enough violence in this world, you fool! We're back to square one from centuries ago!"

"You owe me! You kept my furniture when you kicked me out!" Dullahan practically shouted.

Rolling his eye, Wise One said, "So I'll have it shipped to your place. That junk is collecting dust in the attic."

Dullahan stamped his foot. "Stop being so difficult and help me out for once in your life! I need thisss!" he whined.

"What you _need_ is to get out of my home! Until you stop killing humans and adepts, you're not welcome here. Out! And take your walking foot-rest with you!"

"But-!"

"_Out!"_ The Wise One boomed, steam rising from his rocky body.

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of sparkles and glitter, and the next thing Dullahan and Mimic knew, they were standing outside Sol Sanctum, sparkling in the sunrise and covered in glitter.

Mimic shook his body, causing most of the sparkles to fall of. "Wow. Who knew someone called 'The Wise One' could be such a jerk?"

Dullahan ignored his friend and stormed off toward Vale, muttering angrily to himself.

Mimic was about to follow behind Dullahan, when a sudden, violent tremor threw him on his face. "What in Weyard was that?" he shouted, coughing up dirt. He looked behind him at the mountain that housed The Wise One. It was shaking violently, sending loose rocks and boulders flying everywhere. Storm clouds began to gather over the mountain, eclipsing Vale from the sun.

"Oh man..." Mimic groaned as rain began to pour all around him. Raindrops hit his face and eyes. "This is bad for my paint job... _Dully!_" he shouted, running after his friend. "Dully, let me inside you!"

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

Dullahan wasn't paying any attention to where he was headed. It didn't matter. He just needed to vent. What right did his brother have to throw him out again and refuse to help? The giant was just following his nature. He couldn't help it if his inner-voice told him to be evil.

"Stop being mean!" a shrill voice shouted.

Stopping in his tracks, Dullahan tapped his chest. "Inner voice? Was that you?"

"Ow! You're hurting me!"

Dullahan apologized quickly, and then asked his inner-voice what to do.

It was a few moments after waiting silently that he realized the person speaking wasn't inside him. It was a little girl standing down a slope, on a dock that had a river running alongside it. She was screaming and crying while an older kid-a boy this time-was pinching her and giving her wedgies.

"I'm going to tell Mom, Felix!" the girl sobbed.

"Stop being a baby, Jenna," the boy named Felix said, pinching the girl's arm again. "This is what you get for ruining my time with Kay."

Jenna screamed loudly. "I just wanted to say hi to her!" she moaned pitifully through tears.

"Yeah, well, you ruined my make-out session with her. So you get to suffer the consequences!"

Dullahan applauded the boy's actions. So deliciously cruel and vile, treating a little neighbor girl like that. It warmed his black heart to see the new generation following the right path.

"I wish I never had you for a brother!" Jenna screamed.

It was like a punch in the gut. They were _siblings_! And the brother was treating his sister so cruel and vile! It was horrifying! Dullahan cracked his knuckles and strode toward the pair, glaring at Felix. He'd give the boy something to think about when treating his sister mean.

The two didn't even notice Dullahan until he jumped across the river and landed on the dock.

"What the heck?" Felix yelled, falling over. Jenna's eyes went wide and she screamed.

"You!" Dullahan shouted, pointing to Felix. "You will rue this day of ill will toward your sibling!" He grabbed Felix by his shirt and hoisted him in the air.

"AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!" Felix and Jenna screamed.

Dullahan's body sparked with electricity, and then a torrent of blue fire shot out around him, giving him a frightening aura. The gray clouds in the sky turned completely black. Lightning and thunder were suddenly present in the air above.

"Doom and suffering to you! _Blood and terror is my name_!" The flames shot outward as an eerie wail filled the air.

Felix nearly fainted when he looked into Dullahan's armor and saw ghosts and spirits howling and flying around, wailing, "Death is upon you... Death is upon you..." Blood bubbled out of the gaps in Dullahan's armor.

"_Straight to the pits of Hell_!_ Bones to ashes_!_ Skin rupturing and torn away_!_ Demons feasting on your soul eternally_!" Dullahan bellowed in a demonic voice. "**_Damnation_! _Damnation_!_ You will burn_!_ Hellfire shall torch your soft, fragile sad excuse for a body_!**"

Felix peed his pants and continued screaming like a girl. Jenna had passed out moments before.

Evil, roaring cackling rang out from Dullahan's soul, filling the air and overtaking the thunder. Dullahan's armor was pitch black and hot to the touch. Electricity caused the oozing blood to sizzle and fill the area with a rancid smell.

Dullahan dragged Felix towards the gaping abyss in his torso where his head would be. "**_HEART FULL OF RAGE, SUFFERING BEFORE DEATH_!_DEMONIC LEGION READY TO DISEMBOWEL_!_ YOU WILL KNOW PAIN AND DOOM AS NO PERSON HAS BEFORE YOU_!**"

Again, Felix peed his pants. Lightning struck a tree a few yards away, and the downpour of rain seemed to only fuel the fire erupting from Dullahan. His red cape flapped behind him, licking the crackling, flaming air.

"**_BLOOD TO A BOIL, SKULL AS MY TROPHY_!_ THE REAPER KNOWS YOU, FOR I AM HE_!_ YOUR SOUL IS MINE_!**"

Lightning struck Dullahan's body, releasing a howl of ear-piercing demonic laughter. Any sunlight that had been around was no more as the sky seemed to cave in toward the dock.

"**___NOW FACE ETERNAL DAMNATION, YOU DIIIIIIIIICK!_**"

And then he punted Felix into the river.

Dullahan put his hands to the gap between his shoulders and called out, "And get a haircut!"

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

Mimic searched frantically for his pal. The rain was getting much worse, and the wet look just wasn't his style. Vale was a bust, so it was time to leave. Why in the world was it so hard to find someone as out-of-place as Dullahan?

To make matters worse, townspeople had began to panic at the mountain's crazy seizures. Boulders were raining down everywhere, and they were running around like little ants trying to stop it. It would have been funny to watch, except Mimic was right in the middle of it, too.

"What? You think I should just leave my stuff behind?" a small voice exclaimed.

"Yeah! Garet, we need to get to safety! There's no use having stuff if you're not alive to use it," replied a more urgent, equally high-pitched voice.

Mimic turned the corner of a building to see two little kids standing in a yard. After a few seconds of silence, the red-head boy said, "Okay, you're right. I can come back for it later. Let's go, Isaac!"

The pair hurried off to wherever they thought safety might be. Not a bad idea, Mimic thought, if he could just find his friend.

But then, all thoughts of Dullahan left him. In fact, the only thing on his mind were curves and corners. Beautiful, shapely, wooden curves and corners.

"My heart be still," Mimic gasped. Sitting in the middle of the yard and lashed with a rope sat the most beautiful chest he had ever seen. It was so...so _big_! The shapely chest seemed not to notice Mimic's awkward steps toward it.

Mimic chuckled as he came closer. "I see you're into bondage. Oh, we're going to have some _fun_!" he stated, grinning broadly.

He ran a claw over the woodwork of the chest's lid. "Don't be frightened," he cooed. "I'll make you feel good, baby."

!-N- -O- -W- -A- -T-!  
!-C- -H- -I- -N- -G-!

Dullahan and Mimic met at the town's entrance later that morning.

"So _there_ you are," Mimic muttered. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

Dullahan shrugged, not even looking at his friend. "I had some business to take care of."

Mimic eyed Dullahan, then sighed. "I wish we could go back to our place. This was a drag. I wish we never made that stupid pact to begin with. Now I can't eat the shop keeper."

Dullahan waved his friend's concerns off. "I was feeling like eating some sea food anyway. Maybe we can head to Lemuria next. I suppose Poseidon's trident will have to suffice as my replacement weapon. It's no sword, but it's bigger than Catastrophe's."

After a murmur in agreement, Mimic changed the subject. "Well, you missed my big discovery."

At that, the giant turned to look at his smaller companion. "Discovery?" Dullahan replied questioningly.

Nodding, Mimic picked at some grass absentmindedly. "Yeah. Chests just aren't for me, man. I'm sick of them. They just lay there like a dead fish and make me do all the work. I'm giving them up and moving on to something better."

Dullahan sat on the grass next to Mimic. "I have no idea what you mean, but you have my sympathy." He put a hand on Mimic and began to rub the top of his box-like body.

Instead of moving away this time, Mimic turned to look at his friend. "I need to stop running away from what's in front of me," he said quietly.

A nod from Dullahan.

"Do you really think I have beautiful eyes, Dully?" Mimic whispered the question.

"Sure," Dullahan said hesitantly.

Mimic moved closer. "I've always craved this. I just didn't want to admit it."

Dullahan stopped rubbing. "What do you mean?"

Exhaling heavily as his eyes stared deep into Dullahan's armored torso, Mimic said, "I mean..._this_."

In a hasty move, Mimic jumped onto Dullahan's torso, knocking the bigger monster over onto his back on the grass. Mimic then scuttled up to Dullahan's neck-hole and proceeded to kiss and lick around it, wiping his tongue around the rim and shoving it in. The creature made kissing sounds as he closed his eyes softly.

Dullahan screamed and threw Mimic off him. "What the hell are you doing, Mimic?"

Mimic looked stunned. "But...I thought you wanted that!"

"Sick!" Dullahan shouted, jumping to his feet. "Why would I want your grimy tongue all over me?"

"B-but, you're always giving me hints! Rubbing me and saying weird things!" Mimic sputtered.

Dullahan shuddered and wiped his torso off frantically. "I don't know what you're talking about, Mi-mi, but you've got the wrong idea," he muttered, making spitting sounds.

Mimic looked heartbroken. "But I thought..."

"You thought wrong, Mims. Let's just drop it. I don't swing that way. I'm only attracted to summons."

Mumbling, Mimic scuttled away. "Probably why you're so obsessed with Catastrophe, then..."

Dullahan gagged. "No way in Hell. Like I said, he's a jackass. I'm talkin' _Iris_," he said, walking up beside Mimic as they traveled out of Vale. "That's why I took that job in the first place."

Mimic calmed down a bit. "Yeah, but the tablet doesn't exist anymore..."

A shrug from Dullahan. "That's okay. I've got plenty more back under my bed at home."

Mimic shot Dullahan a look. "What? You have more?"

"...Yeah. I mean, I don't keep them under my bed for any special reason. Just, uh..."

"Say no more," Mimic cut in. "She's a hottie. I understand completely."

Dullahan nodded. "So, no hard feelings?" he asked, extending his hand down to Mimic for him to shake.

Mimic sighed. "No... No hard feelings. I'm sorry I made out with you, Dully."

After shaking Mimic's claw, Dullahan waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. It's flattering. You're the first person who ever wanted to do that."

Suddenly, Mimic froze in his tracks. "Wait a second. You have more tablets, you said?"

"Yes," Dullahan answered, slowing his pace for Mimic to catch up. "Back home, under my bed, for non-specific reasons."

"Doesn't that mean you still have a job?" Mimic asked, falling into step beside Dullahan again.

Now it was Dullahan's turn to freeze. "Wait a minute... That would be true, wouldn't it?"

"Dully, you still have your job! We have to get you back before you get fired! I want to go home!" Mimic yelled in a panic.

Dullahan chuckled. "Mims, I've accrued enough paid vacation time in the last few centuries to cover this whole trip. I think I'll be okay."

Mimic glared. "Wait, you get _paid vacation time_? How come I don't get that?"

Patting his friend's head, Dullahan answered, "Well, I'm a boss. I get more benefits."

Mimic frowned. "Mannn... I was definitely born as the wrong monster."

Dullahan hoisted his friend up on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Mi-mi. How many monsters can say they've ridden on my shoulder?"

"Just me, I guess," Mimic said with a small smile.

"Right! And I still have vacation time we can use. It's a magical world, Mims, ol' buddy... Let's go exploring!"

And with that, they disappeared down the road from Vale as Mt. Aleph continued to cause havoc behind them.

**!-Dullahan and Mimic's Excellent Adventure-!**

Garet ended his story by blowing a party whistle.

"Wow," one kid said in awe. "What happened to dem?"

Looking around to make sure nobody else was watching, Garet reached into his bag. "Well, I fought Dullahan once."

"You did?" some of the kids gasped in surprise.

Garet nodded, still concealing his hands. "In fact, I killed him...and brought his _head_to show you!" Garet shouted eerily. He whipped his hand out of the bag and clutched...nothing.

The kids screamed. Some fell over backward.

Garet cracked up. "Okay, I lied. I'm having more fun than I thought," he admitted to nobody in particular.

* * *

**End:** _Dullahan and Mimic's Excellent Adventure_


End file.
